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Archive for May, 2011

As Facebook has pointed out to me, today is Bob Dylan’s 70th birthday.  Hot damn the guy is old, and people are still paying top dollar to see his wrinkled bones perform, just so they can say “I saw Dylan!”  The world is a sick place.  Here is a list of my favorite Zimmerman tracks, off the top of the dome (so don’t hold this against me, I would prolly come up with a completely different list two weeks from now).  Truth be told, I was always more of a Neil Young fan, but us Minny Joos gots to look out for one another.  Happy B-day Bobby!

(Note:  YouTube is pretty hardcore about shutting down videos featuring the studio versions of Dylan songs.  I tried to include as many as I could, but I had to get creative with some selections).

10.  Like A Rolling Stone:  The general consensus is that this is the best Dylan song there is.  Heck, Rolling Stone magazine calls it the best song ever written (wonder why…).  Good song no doubt, but quite played out.

9.  Lovesick:  I prolly never would have heard this song if it weren’t for the White Stripes’ badass cover of it.  Proves that even in his later years, the guy could still write a decent tune.

8.  The Times They Are a-Changin’:  Have you ever seen the opening to the film version of The Watchmen?  NOW YOU HAVE!!

7.  Hurricane:  My brother used to play this song endlessly on car rides to school.  Needless to say, I still think it’s a good track.

6.  Tangled Up In Blue:  My Uncle Kevin Odegard played on this song, so it gets to be on my list.

5.  Subterranean Homesick Blues:  Cue cards mother fucker.

4.  4th Time Around:  Believed to be a response to the Beatles’ “Norwegian Wood,” which was itself musically trying to mimic Dylan.  When I was in high school, my brother and I put it on a mix of songs we thought were cool to listen to while smoking marijuana.  This one was his choice and it still boggles my mind to this day!

3.  It’s All Over Now Baby Blue:  Inspired the Joyce Carol Oates short story “Where Are You Going, Where Have You Been.”  Good story, great song.

2.  Sad Eyed Lady Of The Lowlands:  When people rank Dylan albums, it usually comes down to Blonde On Blonde and Highway 61 Revisited.  More often than not, Blonde On Blonde wins out, and I think it’s mostly due to this song.  I would say that this is prolly his best song…

1.  Ballad Of A Thin Man:  But this is a list of my FAVORITE Dylan songs, and this is my number one.  Catchy, wordy, funny, sometimes scary!  He also gives a shout out to F. Scott Fitzgerald, another famous Minnesotan (but sadly not a Joo).

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Many of my faithful readers prolly recall me talking about this blog for several months before actually publishing a real post.  Well, as it turns out, I did write a few posts before going live with the sucker.  However, most of these posts are hella outdated, but this one is just too darn good not to publish.  Yes, this post pleading for the Vikings to hire Leslie Frazier as their head coach is pretty much obsolete because as any good NFL fan knows, they already did!  Even still, here was my reasoning for keeping the goofy basterd around.  Enjoy! – Billy


I know what you’re thinking: “yikes, who’s that bozo?”  Well, actually I’m guessing that you’ve read the title of this post, so you’ve probably disregarded the fact that Leslie is a girl’s name and put two and two together to figure out that it’s Leslie Frazier.  Well done Sherlock, but do you have any idea who this Leslie character is?  Hey, no Googling asshole.  Maybe this will give you a better idea of who the guy above is:

That’s right bitches, Leslie Frazier is the current assistant Head Coach/Defensive Coordinator for the best team in football, the Minnesota Vikings.  Basically, he runs the Vikings’ defense, and cousin he runs it well.  How good is this guy?  For the first two seasons of his tenure, the Vikings possessed the number one ranked run defense in the NFL.  Last year they plummeted all the way to number two on that list.  Some cynics might point out that the Vikings’ secondary has been average to bad for the past couple of years.  To them I say blame injuries, as the cornerbacks can never seem to stay healthy for an entire season.

Thanks to some recent blunders on the part of Vikings head coach Brad Childress, fans have been screaming for Zygi Wilf, billionaire Jew owner of the Vikings, to clean house and make some coaching changes.  Many analysts have pointed out that Leslie Frazier would be a perfect candidate for the job, and I couldn’t agree more.  Why come you ask?  Because the guy is black.

Whoa, did he really just say that?  This guy is a racist!  Hold your horses dummy, let me explain.  It all begins with Tony Dungy.  In 2007, Dungy led Peyton Manning and the Indianapolis Colts to victory over the Chicago Bears in Super Bowl XLI, in the process becoming the first black head coach to do so.  But he wouldn’t be the last.  A mere two years later, Mike Tomlin and the Pittsburgh Steelers rolled over the Arizona Cardinals in Super Bowl XLIII (to this day, I recall Arizona winning that game, but I was shit faced by the fourth quarter, so…).

Tony Dungy, Mike Tomlin, Leslie Frazier, what do they all have in common?

1.  They are all African-American (obviously).

2.  They have all been the Vikings’ Defensive Coordinator!

That my friends is a mother fucking trend, so I’ll be damned if the Vikings let go of another black DC, because he will clearly go on to coach a Super Bowl winning team.  I say keep the guy around, let the Vikings become that Championship team, and let’s finally bury the shame of an 0-4 SB record.  Waddya say guys?  LET’S GET OUTTA HERE!!

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oh look out

If you saw me about town circa early 2009 rocking some headphones, there’s a good to great chance that I was listening to Built By Snow‘s album Mega.  And if you were one of the lucky few to receive an original James Isaacs mix around that time, you better believe there was a track by those guys included on it.  Sadly, after 2+ years of relative silence (being featured in a DROID commercial is pretty much all they’ve done in that time), it’s prolly safe to say we won’t be hearing a new BBS album anytime soon.

Fear not though pop lovers!  From the apparent ashes of Built By Snow rises oh look out, the bedroom project by main snowman J.P. Pfertner.  In lieu of dropping a full length album, J.P. has been releasing a new track every month or so since February.

You might be saying to yourself, “between work at the clinic and the NBA playoffs, I don’t have time to listen to just anything these days.  Why should I even bother with this?”  Well sir, if Rivers Cuomo were any good still, and wrote songs about robots, he would be J.P.  The guy writes perfect pop songs, and I’ll be damned if he doesn’t sound just a tad bit like the Weezer frontman back in his heyday.  He also gets mega points from me for his appreciation of 8-bit technology.  Pee Jay can attest to my love for “video game music,” and J.P. certainly injects a fair amount of those sounds in his work.  While the other members of BBS have also moved on to other projects (Red Falcon and The Greatcoats, respectively), it’s clear to hear who the brains behind the operation was.  So take a chance on ol J.P., what have you gots to lose?

Possibly coming soon in the near future: an interview with J.P. (he seems like the kind of guy who would respond to an e-mail interview).  Fingers crossed ya’ll!

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Sour Patch Kids!!

Me and a bag of SPKs

Those of you who know me well surely know of my undying love for Sour Patch Kids, or SPKs for short.  I quit smoking cold turkey, it was easy.  There’s no fucking way I could ever stop eating SPKs though.  I’ve gone through 2 lb bags in a matter of hours, no sweat, and I’ve got the ulcer to prove it.  Totally worth it though, this guy knows what I’m talking about.  Are they as good as Shockers (formally Shock Tarts)?  Not by a long shot, but when was the last time you saw Shockers at your local Walgreens or CVS?  You’ve got to hit up the bodega at Fillmore and Jackson to get a decent roll of Shockers these days.  I digress though.

Unbeknownst to most, Sour Patch offers a variety of different flavors other than SPKs, most of which are frankly pretty shitty.  For your convenience I’ve graded all of the Sour Patch products that I have encountered, so you’ll be able to avoid the shite ones and go straight for the gold.  Enjoy!

Sour Patch Kids (A):  Why not an A+?  I say there’s always room for improvement, but as far as candies go, this one is pretty darn good.

Sour Patch Extreme (A-):  This is the only variety that can compare to the original.  Some of my favorite flavors are included here (sour apple FTW!).  The only thing that holds it back is the shape of the candy, which isn’t as pleasing as the Kids.

Sour Patch Xploderz (D):  What’s the deal with candies having goo in them?  That only works for Gushers.  I spent nearly four bucks on a little package of these at the car rental place and I didn’t even finish the bag.  Fucking nasty!

Sour Patch Chillerz (F-):  As bad as Xploderz are, they are no match for Chillerz.  I was originally enticed to buy a bag of these because they are the same shape as the original kids and one of the flavors was blue something (love me some blue flavor).  I could only eat a couple though because they tasted like a menthol cigarette.  I can’t imagine anyone enjoying these and I think whoever invented them deserves to die and I hope they burn in hell!

Sour Patch Fruits (B):  Lots of good flavors here no doubt.  The watermelon is good enough to earn an A-, but some of the other flavors drag the grade down (I’m looking at you grape).

Sour Patch Watermelon (D+):  For some reason, this watermelon flavor is different from that of the watermelon included in the assorted fruits bag reviewed above.  In fact, it’s quite inferior, I’d go so far to say it’s bland as fuck.  Extra points taken off because of what could have been.

Sour Patch Cherry (B+): To be honest, I’ve never had these before.  The mere fact that they are red though automatically gets them a B+ grade.

Sour Patch Peach (C-):  I’m pretty sure I’ve had these before, but since I can’t remember for sure they must not have been that good.

Sour Patch Blue Raspberry (B-):  Why blue raspberry?  Why not just blueberry?  I’ve noticed that a lot of blue flavoring is blue raspberry (Icee comes to mind).  Do blue raspberries even exist?  Anyway, I’ve never had these either, but I’ve thought about buying them at Target several times.

When push comes to shove, the only kinds I’ll buy on the reg are the original, the extreme, and the assorted fruits.  All the other flavors are decent to terrible, meaning Sour Patch are 3/9.  This leads me to believe that the company has a product development team rife with incompetent dumb shits.  They need to take a page out of Starburst‘s book.  Did you know that Starburst has a line called Fave Reds, which consists of only Red flavors (Cherry, Strawberry, Fruit Punch, Watermelon).  Holy cwap you guys, isn’t  that genius!?  See, Starburst gets it.  Red candy, no matter what flavor it happens to be, is always the best.  Case in point, the red SPK is apparently Raspberry.  Now I’m not crazy about raspberry as a flavor, but red SPKs are undoubtably the best there is.  And if you didn’t know, now you know!

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Hello World pt. 2

Billy

Make way for Billy!!

Welp, after a lengthy year plus absence, Billy has returned/remembered his login junk, and thus Billy the Poet’s blog is born (as illustrated above).  Now you might be asking yourself, “self, why should I waste my time with this Billy Bob bullshit blog, or whatever the heck it’s called.”  Well sir, let me tell you!  Here at Billy the Poet, or I guess Billy the Poet’s blog, you’ll find some (if not all) of the following:

– Billy’s thoughts on pop culture past and present, including but not limited to: music, film, television, books, maybe even a play or some Cirque du Soleil shit.

Johnny Greenwood is slated to compose the soundtrack to Billy the Poet

– Up to the minute news, and Billy’s analysis of said news, regarding the Minnesota Vikings, football (fantasy and real), and most other sports, prolly not Hockey though.

– Billy’s take on what’s happening in the US and around the world, including detailed analysis of President Obama’s plan to assassinate Cheryl the Mayor.

– Billy’s many many grievances.  I’ve got a lot of problems with you people, and now you’re gonna hear about it!

– Billy shamelessly self promoting himself and his techno beats, Haiku poetry, nude sculpting, and interpretive dancing.  Don’t expect too many of these posts.

– What Billy is eating, what Billy is drinking, where Billy is biking, what Billy is wearing right now, right this very minute (birthday suit, see above).

Those are just a few things you’re likely to find at this here blog.  Whatever ends up being posted, it’ll be worth your oh so precious (hide your KFC) time, just trust us.  Now here are some things that you won’t find at Billy the Poet, for better or worse:

This blog is Ragnar approved

– Bullshit one sentence posts accompanied by a picture.  Why come?  They’s bullshit, that’s why come!

– Vikings colors (Billy still hasn’t figured out how to tinker with the layout).

– Billy referring to himself in the third person.  Starting now.

– Pictures of mine and other’s poops, no matter how cool it/they is/are (OK, maybe once in a while).

Ideally, I’d like to put up at least one post a day during your average work week.  For those who aren’t mathmagicians, that amounts to at least five count ’em five posts a week.  However, creative juices get strained, hangovers require bed rest, internet connections are so hard to find these days.  Basically, don’t go calling the missing persons hotline if I go a day or two without posting.

"Of course I read the blog, I fucking made him who he is today!"

Now maybe you’re just too darn busy during the week to visit even your favorite interweb sites, which Billy the Poet will surely become.  No problem dummy, just wait until the weekend.  Alright good chat, come back tomorrow, possibly even sooner, for a post that will probably blow your mind.  Until then…

See ya!

PS:  I think this layout is shit.  Someone with a better knowledge of how to work this damn site and some free time, contact me about making this blog look somewhat presentable please.

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