Boy am I sure glad I grew up when I did. SNES, TMNT, Calvin & Hobbes, the list goes on. But I am perhaps most grateful that I grew up before some asshole created Crocs shoes. For those who don’t know, Crocs are those foam shoes that became very popular a few years ago. They’re half clog, half sandal, all bullshit, and they come in many different colors and designs, but you know what they say: you can spray paint shit gold, it’ll still smell like shit though. Apparently they are extremely comfortable, but I’ll never know because I won’t wear the mother fuckers. I’d rather suffer slightly than wear a pair of shoes that make me look a big dickhead.
Crocs have become the go-to shoe for young children, so like I said, I’m glad I grew up before they were created. For the most part, little kids have no input on their wardrobe, so I guess I’ll give them a pass for wearing dumb shoes. Mario Batali is a whole different story though.
Batali waddles around NYC (or wherever the heck he lives) rocking a pair of orange Crocs. According to his Wikipedia page, it’s part of his “signature look.” Orange Crocs? My God mang what is wrong with you!? I don’t give a damn if you do have a Michelin Star to your name, that’s just not right! You’re 50 years old for Christ’s sake! I find it hard to believe that he cooks with those shoes on, as they would not be ideal in a kitchen setting. If my chef came to work wearing a pair of Crocs, you better believe I’d dump a shitload of fryer oil on him, run and tell that homeboy. If
Cam Netwon Reggie Bush had to give back his Heisman Trophy for receiving improper benefits, Batali should have to give back his James Beard awards for wearing those stupid shoes, end of story.
As you can tell, I don’t much care for Crocs, and thankfully I am not alone. I Hate Crocs Dot Com is a website dedicated to the eradication of the worst shoes ever created, but it appears they have given up the fight (the site hardly gets updated these days). So my faithful readers, I propose we do the job ourselves! Let’s all make a pact: if you see someone wearing Crocs, whether man, woman, or child, you’ll “beat her ass,” to quote the Mayor. Hopefully together we can rid the world of Crocs once and for all!